"Now then, Settle down, Right then, Cripples, over here on the left. No, no, sorry, we had to take that 2.5 billion from you, to pay for the cut in business taxes. I know, I know, they make a lot of profit already, but they were very good to us during the election campaign."
"Unemployed? That's it, over here. Now, we've had to cut rather a lot more jobs I'm afraid, so it's looking a teeny bit less likely you'll find anything any time soon, and we don't see any need for those tiresome "back to work" schemes or (God forbid) guaranteed work places for young people either. We're all in this together now, blitz spirit, chin up. Still, just to help, we'll cut your benefits by 10% if you haven't found work in a year, OK? Good."
"Right, any poor working types? You? Good, good, over here please. Now, I'm afraid we need to cut your housing benefit and move you out of Knightsbridge and Islington. You see, there are quite a few rich people who were jolly supportive and they just can't find anywhere for the nanny to live in Westminster, you do understand? Excellent."
"Now Mum's-to-be. We just can't afford that maternity grant any more - we need the money to give to some terribly energetic parents who want to start a school. They propose to ban poor children and teach elocution! It really is dreadfully innovative. We need to take the Child Trust Fund money too, but for Goodness Sake! As if £250 helps anyone! Barely get you dinner at the Ivy! They won't even miss it."
"Teachers? Now, I know there were going to be some rather gloomy state schools built, but Vodafone are in a spot of bother with their tax, and, well, we've got sooooo many of these dreary non-grammar's already. They need the 6 Billion much more than you, there really is No Alternative."
"Anyone from the arts? (Shifty lot of lefties, Dave) Yes, sorry, but we're done with you, off you go now. Oh, except you Emin, you came to a few jollies and gave that awfully supportive interview to the Times if I recall? Dave, get your wallet out, buy one of her, erm, installation thingies."
"So, who's left, let me see, Oh yes, Workers. Now I know during the election we said that silly NI rise Labour wanted to bring in was frightful - tax on jobs and all that - well I'm afraid if we're going to let the big companies like Marks and Spencer and Top Shop off, (They were dreadfully kind, writing all those letters to the Telegraph and persuading their customers to vote for us) we still need you to pay your bit. Oh and we're putting VAT up. And freezing benefits."
"You see nasty old Labour spent all the money (Dave, psst, we are still using that one are we?) Bankers? Jolly good chaps, wouldn't be an economy without them. What do you mean it all started in America? THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE I tell you!! Yes, Germany and France and Italy and well, some places are going through a bit of a rough patch, but not like here! We're on the brink of bankruptcy I say! Didn't you realise? Labour spent all the money LABOUR SPENT ALL THE MOOOOONNNNNEEEEYYYYY!"
*George is taken for a little sit down at this point while Dave hands out nice flat caps to all the chaps and aprons to the ladies. A Big Society Corp matron appears to give all the children a nice spoon of cod liver oil and hand out brochures for the lovely new Workhouse units opening in Slough and Crawley and Glasgow.
"Just one more thing.... (George has a rather worrying twitch over his right eye now and his Eton quiff is flapping wildly about the place) The BBC. Where are you? I know you're there??? Ah, Simpson, Alagiah, Husain, Wark, Paxman. We warned you! If you didn't start seeing things the Murdoch way, it would be curtains for you. It was all going so frightfully well during the election, what with the dear old Telegraph and Times, The Mail, Sky News and even those comics for the thickoes, (what are they again Dave?) Oh yes the News of the World and the Sun. We warned you, but you kept droning on about impartiality and a free press. Well, your deliciously shafted now!"